Why People Fight and Argue over Nothing

Learn about a Jukebox that we all have in our minds, and how it can turn us into a seven-year-old child during an argument. How to use both, The Jukebox, and The Defuse to put yourself in a very powerful position. Learn an almost painless way of avoiding trouble and save yourself a lot of stress and heartaches.Your mind is like a "Jukebox," it has lots of records. These records have been made through "event repetition," which began on the day you were born. The collection is pretty much complete at around age-seven. What happens from then on in our lives is this…

When a situation (often as silly as the garbage bin example in the "Three Simple Words" article) takes place, our built in "Jukebox" swings into action. It selects the appropriate record and "HEY PRESTO" a seven-year-old child appears, with the reaction of a seven-year-old child. This is more visible when people are under pressure, stressed, or tired.

The process is very hard to stop once the "Jukebox" selection arm swings around to pick up a record (thought and reaction from a past experience). It may be a good record or it might be a bad record (response). The process must continue until it's completed.

Think about it and see if you can spot some responses of your own.When you are for example: doing a little odd job around your home and someone interrupts you and asks you to stop and do something else for a minute. Do you say, "NO, I'M DOING SOMETHING" and at the same time, do you get slightly irritated? At that time your seven-year-old child makes an appearance.

The record is playing and your mind doesn’t like it to be switched off.

Do you know anyone who makes all of this make sense? I'm sure you do. Some people have more visible processes than others (throw bigger tantrums). We all have a "Jukebox" and the process automatically switches on, good or not so good.

The Jukebox and The Defuse connection

If when someone is verbally abusing you, whether it is mildly, or viciously, and you agree with him or her, you can defuse the situation. As a child they learned that this reaction will get them what they want. The record is old, but working as good as new.You can’t change their record, but you can change how you react to their record.

This is the important part, so pay attention. Now that you know this and understand why they are behaving the way they are… you are in a very powerful position.

You can do two things:

1. Agree with him or her. They think they have won and maybe they have. But as I said in the "Three Simple Words" article, if it doesn’t matter that much to you, if you can grin and bear it, you will instantly defuse them and only your pride will be a bit dented. It’s easy to do, if you can say you’re wrong even if you’re not. If it doesn’t really matter to you, let the dog have its bone.
   
2. You can treat them like the child they are at that time. If you’re clever enough to be able to manipulate their mind (remember it's a child we’re talking about here), you can both win.

For me number one is quick and easy. Because I know why they are behaving the way they are, most of the time, it is easier to go along to get along.

Example

A mother and child in a shopping center, the child sees a lolly and must have it. Now the dear child has learned that to get what he or she wants a tantrum is the way to go about getting it.

Away (often in a big way) the dear child goes. What happens next is very interesting. A smack, perhaps a lolly, or maybe a bribe.

Mother says. "Oh dearest child, if you can behave yourself for the rest of the day, you can have 2 lollies, would you like that?"

"Yeah-yeah, give-me, give-me!"

The child shuts up and later gets the lollies. Notice how a life-time record has been put in the "Jukebox." Psychologists are still fiercely debating which, if any, is the best child handling technique.

At the end of the day, there's probably no "blue print" right or wrong way of going about it. We can only apply what we know. Smacks can lead to adult violence, kids learn to get what they want through violence. This process may, and often does, carry on into their adult life.

Giving them a lolly is giving in, which can lead to stubborn pig headedness, and rotten teeth. This kind of bribery may also lead to good negotiation skills that could help them in their future work and social life.

Conclusion

The Defuse is an almost painless way of avoiding trouble. The only painful part is giving in, or agreeing with a person, when you know they are wrong. But, now that you know about the "Jukebox" you will be able to give in, or agree with people much more readily and save yourself a lot of stress and heartaches.

This article is the second of three articles (found on this website):

1. Verbal Self Defense  Click here

2. Why People Fight and Argue over Nothing

3. What to do when Someone you know Hits You  Click here

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